In Which I finally Keep my Word…sorta.

So – I’ve completed my Top Ten list of 2016.  And I’ve started my top ten of 2017.

But before we kick it off, I’m sure you want to know the worst movie I saw in 2016.  Honestly, this is one of the worst if not THE worst movie I’ve ever seen.  Jason argues with me that Ultraviolet was the worst, but I spent most of Ultraviolet too confused to be angry that it was awful.

This movie did not have that.  Instead, it had one shining amazing character who just managed to provide an idea of how great the movie could have been and instead fell flat on its face.

Know it yet?

Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice

It was directed by Zack Snyder, who has not made a lot of movies I like.  But in the past that wasn’t his fault because the material was too dark for me.  See – Watchmen and 300.  Batman_v_Superman_poster

The only great part of this movie was Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman, giving us a brief taste of what was to come in her origin story movie, but not focused on enough to save this film in the slightest.  Jesse Eisenburg was alright-ish as Luthor, but I have a hard time seeing past his awkward teenagerness to picture him as a supervillain.

Here’s a shot at giving you the plot.  And if you want it unspoiled, skip this paragraph.  The world has turned against Superman, including Batman who witnesses the destruction left in Superman’s wake while fighting General Zod.  Meanwhile, Superman isn’t too pleased with Batman’s methodology and they begin to hate each other.  Enter Lex Luthor who exploits the entire situation towards his favor, setting off a bomb at a congressional hearing and both making Superman look guilty and inflicting guilt for not stopping the bomb.  Superman runs to hide with his guilty feelings and Luthor kidnaps his adoptive mom, Martha.  Meanwhile, Batman is investigating Luthor with the mysterious Diana Prince.  Luthor demands Superman kill Batman to save his mom and they fight, destroying tons of warehouses in the process.  While they’re distracted fighting each other, Luthor releases a huge monster he has concocted using his own DNA and that of General Zod.  Batman gets the upper hand on Superman but only stops from killing him when he finds out their mothers share the same first name – Martha.  The monster is smashing the city outside and fighting Wonder Woman, who has not been distracted from her JOB.  It can absorb all the energy Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman use against it and in the end Superman sacrifices himself to use a kryptonite spear originally intended for his demise on the monster.  (We know that death won’t stick long).  Luthor goes to prison where he and Bruce Wayne have a dick measuring contest (not really, they just posture about who is the real winner in the conflict).  And then DC uses Wayne to clumsily hint at the formation of the Justice League.

 

Why don’t I like this movie?  Well, I dislike movies that rely on the stupidity of men to form an entire plot, bolstering it with miscommunication and manipulation by someone who is clearly narcissistic or evil.  The plot was so thin that it probably could’ve been covered and resolved in a 42 minute television episode, yet the movie was two and a half hours long.  The average intelligent movie goer didn’t need an hour and 45 minutes to show us that Wayne and Kent are at odds and being manipulated by Luthor.  We knew Prince was Wonder Woman so trying to make that a mystery was a lost cause.  The fight scenes themselves were claustrophobic with a little too much emphasis on being dramatic.  Dramatic glares, dramatic punches, dramatic scowling.  The fighting was clunky and predictable.  The inability of these characters to actually communicate with each other borders on the unrealistic.  If they’re really set up as protectors of their respective cities, they should already have experience with mediation and communication – especially Kent as a reporter.

The other horrid thing about this movie, was surprisingly, Hans Zimmer’s soundtrack.  Very rarely does a soundtrack detract so much from the film that it’s painful to listen to.  Relying heavily on dissonance and awkward chording and sooooo much choral input, listening to it made me feel I was getting an insight into a schizophrenic person’s mind.  It was so terrible that afterwards, Zimmer announced he was retiring from scoring superhero films.

 

There you have my vitriolic rant on the worst movie I saw in 2016.  Stay tuned for #10.  Maybe it’ll take me less than six months to post.

 

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